Burnt out.

My candle is barely burning off of remains; I'm holding on to the last few threads of the rope I should be climbing. The way I have been going through everyday the past two months has led to this. This position I am in where I have nobody else to blame but myself for falling flat on my face. When you hit rock bottom you have a choice to make: You can either lie there, remaining face against cold stone pavement or you can rise up above the low point. Baby steps advised. "So what will it be?" That is what I repeatedly asked myself this week. The first half of the week I felt incapable of moving at all but, as the week progressed, my thoughts slowly starting shifting from pessimistic to optimistic. I know my life's truth and I could grasp and it hold it dear to my heart or I could run from it, or better yet, ignore it. The mind can be a tough battle. I don't even understand my own a majority of the time. So, I ran across the phrase "Dum spero, spiro" meaning as long as I breathe, I hope. I forced myself to remember all of the things that created joy in my life; well, the ones that still apply to my life now. Mainly I thought of Estonia, meaning I thought of God. I thought of what emotions I felt while I was there. The evident presence of God that was felt there. The joy, grace, and mercy I witnessed and gladly fell victim too. Then I preceded to think of what I have going on in my life now. School, track, and partying/hanging out with friends has been my full focus. Was God in there? I still believed but, no. Then I thought of the other two activities I am involved in: College Life and OphiA. Estonia was extremely similar to Young Life's purpose. Both had a training and we covered the exact same things with the focus being revealing a life with Christ to all young people in order to ignite a fire for God in their life. OphiA is a community service sorority. Although its a great group of girls, my heart is just not there. My heart is with Young Life and Estonia. Young Life is my Estonia here at home in the states. So my decision has been made. I am not dropping OphiA because I do not like it or because it isn't a good organization, my heart and calling is just with Young Life. I have to choose one so that I can put my whole heart into. Goodbye OphiA, goodbye partying. I have made my final decision and I am not going to rob myself of what I know I can experience in my life. This is my first baby step of rising to the light.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:14-16

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:5