Is personal. Some people may not be able to understand it but, my proof of God is my Grandpa. Papaw. Papaw is in heaven now and has been since October. He IS and always will be there. God is the same way. Just because Papaw's body has died doesn't mean he is dead. Because of his core belief in God and his acceptance in Jesus he will always be alive. Spiritually, that is. I am not the type of person to say that a person is in heaven just because they have passed away. If you hear those words coming from my lips its because I know the person believed in God. I KNOW. When I say those words I say it with certainty, I do not say it simply hoping and wishing that the person winded up there.
If you are reading this and getting offended I apologize in advance. But this is MY blog. Just remember that. This is about MY preparation for the mission trip I am going to in Estonia in less that four weeks. If you are reading this, I more than likely consider you a friend. You are most likely a person I love and one that I want support from. You have gotten to this site either through my facebook or through myself verbally telling you about it. I am not writing this post out of anger or any other negative emotion. These are my thoughts. They are real, heartfelt thoughts.
Faith is tough. That is reality. I could type up every post and have them all be happy thoughts but that wouldn't be realistic. As much as I can talk about the beauty God has been revealing to me, I can also mention how Satan is attacking me. Satan latches on to whatever he can in an attempt to pull us away from what God has called us to and from God, himself. No matter how much I talk about how God is tenderly showing me His love through flowers or revealing His compassion in murky, brown leaves, the enemy is still there.
When I was in high school I allowed myself to be pulled away from religion. It was over the debate of what happened to people when they die. Before I go into further discussion of this, I am admitting that I do not know exactly what happens. I am admitting my lack of knowledge of the subject matter. What pushed me away? I was told that people brought up in different areas of the world that were raised in polytheistic religions who never had the opportunity to know God went straight to hell when they died. If you are more educated with biblical references and know this is the way that it is for a fact then please, let me know. No sarcasm. Comment on this post or talk to me in person so I can update the post myself. But before you do, let me tell you why I struggle with this. I was taught and have made my own personal decision to believe that God loves each of his children equally. He loves us, you and me, his children, no more than any other person that exists. In believing this, I cannot allow myself to believe that he would simply just let a person go to hell because they grew up in another country where another religion is practiced. It makes me question, "Why was I fortunate enough to grow up in an area where a relationship with God is widely accepted and taught with barely any limitation? Why me?" The best answer that I have been given, although it is simple is that that is where faith kicks in and I have faith that there is more to it than what most people can tell me. Now, I am a few year older with a better relationship with Christ than I have ever had. I have deeper roots than I did back then. But this debate of what happens has been brought up again and I can assure you this: this time it will not pull me away from God. And this will hold true because of my proof.
Which brings me back to Papaw. He is my proof of God's existence, His love, His compassion, His mercy, His grace, and any other entity that is our Savior. Papaw was diagnosed with inoperable, fast growing cancer. Hate is a strong word but I hate cancer. No matter how much I hate it though, I love how God used in in my Grandpa's life. Cancer is the means by which God saved my Grandpa. Papaw came to know Christ in the last year of his life. The hardest year of his life. I was once told "You can rejoice like God when you are able to rejoice in suffering." and this is that one experience in my life where I have witnessed it. As most of you know I went to the University of South Carolina for a semester, Fall 2009. The semester my Papaw would pass away. I was the one in my family to be four hours away. The one that couldn't be there as often as everyone else when things took a turn for the worse. So when I came home one weekend, you bet I went to go see my Papaw. Hospitals are bleak, especially the oncology unit. It was hard to see my Grandpa. If you have had a relative or anyone in your life with cancer you know that it drains them. Papaw looked different. He wasn't spouting out stories like his typical self. His appearance was different too. Hands down, it was the hardest part of my life to this day. When my mom and I were leaving my mom said, fighting back tears, "Dad, you know how much you are loved, right?" His response: No. It may not have even been a no, it might have just been a head shake, left to right. But his answer was definitely no. My jaw clenched up, my body tensed, and I fought back tears as I said bye for the day to my grandpa. That night I went to Walmart and bought him fake flowers since real ones arent allowed in the oncology unit to bring some light and color into the room. I wanted him to have something beautiful to look at. I also prayed. That night was the night that I prayed the hardest prayer of my life. I asked God to end Papaw's hurting whether it was through healing the cancer (unlikely, but hey, there are miracles!) or through ending his life on Earth. The next day I returned to college planning on writing a letter that week and sending it to Papaw before I returned the next weekend to be with him again. I was going to make sure that he knew how much he was loved. Unfortunately, the next day after track practice I received the phone call and lost that opportunity through my prayer being answered. Of course, I didn't expect it to be so soon but regardless, I drove back home to Georgia that night. At first I didnt understand when God couldnt have waited six more days. Six days. 144 hours. Less than a week. But God answered MY prayer and He answered it almost immediately. He ended Papaw's hurting and for that I am eternally grateful. For that, I will never let my relationship with God falter because that is MY PROOF and Satan will never be able to take that away from me.
The purpose of this post is to admit the reality of faith. Its going to be tough but I am not going to hide the spiritual war going on between my team(God's team) and the evil opposing rival (Team Satan). I am entrusting you, my friend, with my deepest thoughts and some of my most important experiences/memories. Treat them well.
Please continue praying for the trip's preparation, seeing as there is less than a month until takeoff.
And if there has been proof in your life of God's existence, hold onto it when your life gets shaken up.
