Joy

The past couple of months have been rough. Real rough. Heartwrenching; heartbreaking... just rough. And like I said in my earlier posts I have wallowed in regret, sadness, hurt, anxiety, fear, etc. All of the stupid emotions that hold you back, keep you from living a beautiful life. But for some reason joy just hit me like hurricane yesterday. I dont know why. I dont care why. Its a blessing. I have needed this feeling; this contentment for some time now and I finally got it. Thank you Lord.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Speck

Right Here

“You are not there. Somewhere in the future, suffering for something that hasn’t happened yet. You are not there, in a place where all your worries manifest. You are not there. Somewhere in the past, reliving your old mistakes and regrets. You are not there, in a place where memories resurrect. You are here, right here.”

Thankful.

Cliche time to write this post, right? Wrong. There is still an hour until Thanksgiving Day... Ya know, the day set aside to be thankful; the day we celebrate out thankfulness surrounded by friends and family.

So yes, I am thankful. I am thankful for where I have been. I am thankful for where I am. Most importantly I am thankful for where I am going.

But life isn't easy. Never has been; never will be. But "each day is a gift not a given right". As Peter Pan responded when Wendy asked if his adventures were over, he said: "No, oh no, life is an adventure." Not only is it an adventure; its a blessing and I do not need a single day of the year deemed thanksgiving to acknowledge that.

I am thankful for my family and friends who always believe in me, encourage me, rejoice and suffer with me, and who love me. I am thankful for God and for the life he has given me, the eternal life he offers me, and the opportunities/path He has blessed me with. Looking forward to the end of the semester and looking forward to what is in store for me in the spring. And let me tell you one last thing.... I will be thankful every day, each and every step of the way.

“We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.”

Fresh.

Last week we were FINALLY sent the applications for the Eesti Summer 2010 Missons Internship. I am already getting so pumped up about it. My application is almost complete and I am waiting on my reference verifications. $5,000 isn't a big deal, right? Nahhhhh. Officially started setting aside money. Goodbye spending my paychecks on shopping. TOTALLY worth it.

Anyways, today has been a good day. Why? Because I have had decent conversations with Bethany, Andrus, Meredith, Markus, Johanna, Kim, and many other friends associated with Estonia. Talking to anyone from the experience is like a breath of fresh air. It's like all the things that aren't going my way or that I'm not enjoying are pushed out of my line of sight. Estonia serves the same purpose for my life as windshield wipers do a car's front window. Today is rainy, I am sick, and its Monday...meaning I have class from 9:30-6:15 with only a small break for lunch. But today God is making sure my vision stays clear. Estonia reminds me of my purpose. I guess it is one of God's tools in my life to remind me that He loves me, that I can trust Him, that He WANTS me serving FOR Him. It never fails. And it won't ever fail.

Anyways, just what is going on in my head right now while Im in class.... bored.

Thursday I am going to see Harry Potter 7 at Midnight with Bethany and Sam Cole.

Beffknee made me aware that Matthew 6:21 is in Harry Potter.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

Oh Eesti, Get Ready... Even Harry Potter is reminding us of you.

We WILL be back.

Burnt out.

My candle is barely burning off of remains; I'm holding on to the last few threads of the rope I should be climbing. The way I have been going through everyday the past two months has led to this. This position I am in where I have nobody else to blame but myself for falling flat on my face. When you hit rock bottom you have a choice to make: You can either lie there, remaining face against cold stone pavement or you can rise up above the low point. Baby steps advised. "So what will it be?" That is what I repeatedly asked myself this week. The first half of the week I felt incapable of moving at all but, as the week progressed, my thoughts slowly starting shifting from pessimistic to optimistic. I know my life's truth and I could grasp and it hold it dear to my heart or I could run from it, or better yet, ignore it. The mind can be a tough battle. I don't even understand my own a majority of the time. So, I ran across the phrase "Dum spero, spiro" meaning as long as I breathe, I hope. I forced myself to remember all of the things that created joy in my life; well, the ones that still apply to my life now. Mainly I thought of Estonia, meaning I thought of God. I thought of what emotions I felt while I was there. The evident presence of God that was felt there. The joy, grace, and mercy I witnessed and gladly fell victim too. Then I preceded to think of what I have going on in my life now. School, track, and partying/hanging out with friends has been my full focus. Was God in there? I still believed but, no. Then I thought of the other two activities I am involved in: College Life and OphiA. Estonia was extremely similar to Young Life's purpose. Both had a training and we covered the exact same things with the focus being revealing a life with Christ to all young people in order to ignite a fire for God in their life. OphiA is a community service sorority. Although its a great group of girls, my heart is just not there. My heart is with Young Life and Estonia. Young Life is my Estonia here at home in the states. So my decision has been made. I am not dropping OphiA because I do not like it or because it isn't a good organization, my heart and calling is just with Young Life. I have to choose one so that I can put my whole heart into. Goodbye OphiA, goodbye partying. I have made my final decision and I am not going to rob myself of what I know I can experience in my life. This is my first baby step of rising to the light.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:14-16

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:5

"Dum Spiro, Spero"

Stuck.